Do you feel sucked into an inescapable dynamic with a loved one (or with the world) in which you overgive, overdo, overhelp, and then end up pissed off and resentful about it?
So many people who care deeply about the world and their loved ones often get pulled into this dynamic, leading to repeating patterns of conflict and burnout.
If this is you, I’m eager to introduce you to a new map I discovered this week.
Since earning my mediator certification in May, I’ve been working hard to gain experience, and one aspect of my ongoing training has been shadowing and receiving supervision from Beth Roy, rad octogenarian with decades of mediating experience.
This week, I shadowed Beth in a session between two siblings in which she shared a map that was new to me.
The Rescue Triangle
The map is called the Karpman Drama Triangle, also known as the Rescue Triangle, and it depicts a common, destructive pattern that often occurs with people in conflict. Here’s the map:
In this dynamic, people take on at least one of three roles, often moving between them:
1. The Rescuer
The Rescuer says, “Let me help you.” The Rescuer takes on more than their fair share, becomes overprotective and over-involved in others’ lives, and feels guilty if they can’t create change on behalf of others.
The Rescuer feels good about themself but unconsciously keeps the Victim dependent on them. The Rescuer may persecute the Victim or see the Victim as a persecutor if the Victim does not respond the way they’d like to their help. Because the Rescuer often neglects their own needs, they often take on the Victim role, becoming exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful toward others for not caretaking them.
2. The Victim
The Victim says “Poor me!” Victims think of themselves as powerless, helpless, and lacking responsibility for their challenging circumstances.
The Victim expects others to rescue them, and if someone fails to solve things for them, they may persecute the person who tried to help or see them as a persecutor.
Also, the Rescuer may perceive and treat someone as a Victim, even if that person does not see themselves as a Victim. The person perceived as a Victim may then lash out at the Rescuer and persecute them.
3. The Persecutor
The Persecutor says, “It’s all your fault!” Persecutors criticize and blame the Victim, set strict limits, and are controlling, rigid, and authoritative.
When someone calls the Persecutor out for their behavior, the Persecutor may become defensive and switch roles to the Victim.
People often move between these roles in a vicious cycle.
For example, an older sibling in an abusive family takes up the Rescuer role. Then, their younger sibling gets pissed off about being seen in the Victim role. The younger sibling rebels, persecuting the older sibling in the Rescuer role. The Rescuer becomes the Victim and may even persecute the younger sibling in response. Then, both siblings feel guilty and try even harder to rescue each other and make it all okay.
A similar dynamic also shows up in movement work where someone, often a white woman, takes on the role of the Rescuer and sees others as Victims who need their protection from Persecutors. When people whom the Rescuer has seen as the Victim call them out, the Rescuer may now see that person as a Persecutor.
My mentor, Beth, shared that this pattern will inevitably emerge in any situation of scarcity—and all of us living in late-stage capitalism are operating in a system that is rooted in and breeds scarcity.
How to Break Free
The Rescue Triangle can feel like the Bermuda Triangle, sucking us into an old vortex of repeated behaviors that swirls around and around like a tornado. Deep inner work may be needed to help us break free.
Yet, simply becoming aware of this dynamic can begin to free us from this vortex. Learning to acknowledge our underlying needs also helps.
Rescuing, Victim Mentality, and persecution are all strategies or attempts to meet needs. The more we can acknowledge the underlying unmet needs that prompt us to use the strategies, the more we can free ourselves to choose different strategies that meet our needs.
So, with that said, I invite you to get out your journal and write down your responses to the following questions:
- Are there areas of your life in which you feel pulled into the Rescuer role? What are your unmet needs in this situation?
- Are there areas of your life in which you feel pulled into the Victim role? What are your unmet needs in this situation?
- Are there areas of your life in which you feel pulled into the Persecutor role? What are your unmet needs in this situation?
If you’d like help naming your needs, I encourage you to download my needs list and search it for matching needs.
Then, ask yourself what one itty bitty step might be toward meeting at least one of your needs. And take that step.
I wish you spaciousness and agency as you face the challenges ahead.