My Fitbit buzzed to congratulate me for exceeding my cardio goals—though I hadn’t moved from my chair.
My heart was racing during a meeting in which a small group of local leaders gathered to discuss our response to threats of immigrant raids in our area.
Some of us advocated for swift and clear statements. Others voiced fear of retaliation. I truly believe that everyone argued for what they thought best.
For the most part, it was a content conflict, an argument about how to meet our residents’ needs best. But then it became personal.
Insults like “disingenuous,” “not caring,” “unwise,” were lobbed by both sides, cutting through the fabric of our relationships, draining trust.
I felt livid in a way I can’t recently recall.
It’s taken me a few days to process, but what I’ve come to is this:
In these times of great threat, high stakes, and big fears, in which we will disagree more than ever, we must beware not to let the conflict become personal.
We must have the courage to voice disagreements about strategy, substance, and how to best meet our needs.
And we must have the discernment and discipline not to slip into insults and attacks on character.
Here’s why:
- We need well-thought-out strategy more than ever now. And when we fear not being a good enough activist or falling into disfavor, we may hold back objections that make for a better approach.
- Impact will always matter more than intent. Substantive conflict is about impact. Personal conflict is about intent. To create smart strategy, we must focus on impact.
- When we criticize character, we turn comrades into persecutors. And ourselves into victims or heroes. None of these roles are agile or creative. All of them keep us stuck. (More about each of these roles in an upcoming podcast and the vortex we get sucked into when we see each other and ourselves this way.)
- When we turn the fight on each other, rather than the fascists to blame, we damage our relationships. Which is precisely what our opponents want.
Rev. Jen Bailey says that “relationships are built at the speed of trust, and social change happens at the speed of relationships.”
To win the fight, we must take care with our relationships.
We must learn to fight in a way that fills our trust buckets, not empties them. Even with people we assume not to be our allies, especially on the local level.
The purpose of judgement is protection. When we judge harshly, it’s usually because we love fiercely. And we fear that those we love will be hurt.
But we can show our love in ways that don’t damage relationships. We can speak our disagreements in ways that make us stronger.
So please, engage the conflict. Insist on what matters. Name your limits. Hear each other out. Make better strategy.
And take care not to make the conflict personal.