As I’ve read the news these past few weeks and we move toward the election, I’ve felt more fear and sadness and tension in my body.
As I look out from my beloved home and neighborhood onto the mounting crises and tipping points we face together, I imagine you may have been feeling a lot too.
In the midst of all this, a coaching client who’s been going through really intense work and personal stuff wrote me a question.
Here it is—
“Some people can handle even the most difficult circumstances with a level of equanimity and gratitude. How do they do it?? My grandfather’s mantra used to be ‘can’t complain.’
I’d like to get there. Not because I’m ignorant to difficulty or suppressing my reactions, but because I’ve been able to discern and give myself what I need in the midst of those challenges.”
First off, shared reality, right? I sometimes long for more calm amidst all the collective storms, too. You probably do, too.
Yet, my path toward finding the deep, abiding well of gratitude that I can dip my toes into most days has not come through seeking equanimity.
As I shared with my client, the more I’ve opened myself to grief and rage and all the other less-than-comfortable emotions that move through me, the more I’ve discovered room for gratitude and joy.
If I’ve found equanimity or a sense of balance (which I don’t yet claim to have done), it’s come from stretching myself toward holding all the ands.
For example, as I reflect on my day so far, I can taste flavors of disappointment and looking-forward-ness and heaviness and excitement and confusion and clarity and groundedness and an urge to get up and move. It’s all here in my body right now.
Not in a wild or ping-pongy way, but in a way that feels like Life is moving through me. And like I can witness it all without clinging to any of it.
Of course, I am not a finished product. I’m still learning to stretch to feel my grief and rage fully. And yet, for me, if there is equanimity, it’s in knowing that it’s all here.
I’m somewhat skeptical of anyone who claims equanimity without feeling all of the emotions.
Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp and fellow researchers found that all mammals have eight emotional circuits—grief/panic, rage, fear, disgust, seeking, sexuality/emergence, play, and care.
To be alive is to feel all of these. To heal is to open our windows of welcome to all of it.
I’ve also found that the more that I can honor all the feelings as they move through me, the less I feel the urge to have others honor them for me. The more I acknowledge my feelings, acknowledge my needs, and respond as soon as I can, the less urge I feel to vent at others.
As another client in our Career Clarity Group shared in response to my first client’s question:
“Sometimes we experience shit storms of really hard things. It’s okay to be with whatever emotions arise that need to be expressed. It’s okay to be reactive and frustrated when we’re dealing with so much. My experience is that, in those times, sharing the vulnerability and honesty of where I’m at with trusted people helps draw people closer to me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want you to feel like you have to be experiencing equanimity in the midst of a Covid hurricane work storm. That seems like a really high bar that nobody could achieve.”
In the storms that come in the days and weeks and months ahead, there will be reason for disgust and fear and outrage and grief.
I hope you will turn toward what you feel with all the warmth and kindness you can muster and say hello. Greet the tears like an old friend, as the oldest of friends.
Our grief, rage, disgust, and fear are all here for a purpose. They prompt us to act—to act in service of our needs and the collective’s needs. The more we can tune in, the more guidance we will receive about what next steps might be of service.
I highly recommend reading last week’s email if you want to acknowledge more of what’s moving within you. In it, I share the seeds of the discernment pause—the practice I’ve discovered that most helps my clients find clarity of action—along with tools to help you honor what you feel and need. Several readers have told me that they’ve found it helpful, and I imagine you might, too.
Feel free to let me know how all this lands. I’d love to hear from you.
Sending you so much Love and en-courage-ment for these times.