When someone we love is struggling, our instinct is often to fix, reassure, or advise — but resonance almost always has to come first. In this episode, Katherine responds to a client question about how to offer resonance instead of advice, even in our closest relationships, where the stakes (and the temptation to fix) run highest.

She walks through what resonance actually sounds like, how to sit with your own impulse to advise before you can set it aside, and why asking consent before offering resonance matters more than most of us realize. Along the way: a moment with an old friend grappling with grief, two unexpected metaphors (one involving flashlights, one echolocation), and a reminder that resonance doesn’t require getting it perfect — just staying curious.

When you’re really struggling, how do you wish that people would respond?

Do you want them to try to reassure you that your struggles aren’t a big deal? Gloss over the issue and move on to a different topic? Give you unsolicited advice?

While advice, reassurance, and distraction are sometimes helpful and even wanted, they are rarely helpful before we receive resonance.

Resonance is what happens when you tell me about something you’re struggling with, and I respond in a way that makes you feel that I really get you. It’s that moment of relief, that inner sigh of being seen and heard and understood.

Resonance is that feeling of yes, you understand me.

As my teacher and neuroscience educator, Sarah Peyton, teaches — Trauma is what happens when we’re too alone. It’s what happens when we go through a difficult experience and don’t receive enough resonance to feel deeply attuned to and accompanied. On the other hand, resonance heals and prevents trauma.

When we’re really trying to support a loved one through a challenging experience, they need resonance, too.

But when we really love someone and have a stake in the outcomes of their actions, it can be incredibly hard to refrain from offering advice.

As a client wrote to me this week:

“I keep trying to get my husband to consider coaching, rather than just practicing what we are learning here, which is resonance. I think until he feels real resonance, he’s going to be resistant to any other suggestions I have. So that’s something I really need to practice with him, even though it feels particularly hard with him.

Any suggestions on how to practice resonance without wanting to offer advice in one’s closest relationships?”

In the rest of this email, I’ll share with you what I shared with my client.

First off, stop trying to stop wanting to offer him advice.

It’s a confusing double negative, I know, so I’ll rephrase it —

Of course, you want to offer him advice. It’s actually okay to want to offer him advice. The part of you who cares deeply about him and feels sad that he’s struggling and is impacted by his distress makes total sense. This part deserves some resonance first.

Resonance often starts with “of course…”

So, take some time with the part of you that wants him so badly to change. Journaling can help here. Let it rant on paper. Write down all the things it wishes were different.

Remember, resonance is not agreeing with someone; it’s simply letting another person know that you get them.

So, without telling this part of you that they’re right, respond with resonance. Place a hand on your heart. Bring your attention back in to yourself. As another member of the cohort this client is in wrote: “Sometimes when I feel myself getting overly involved with someone else, I physically move my hands back into my chest, like I’m gathering myself in.”

Then, let this part know “of course you feel this way” and look for words that show this part that you really get them.

Second, look for words that meet and match what this part feels and longs for.

As the other member of the mentorship also wrote: “For me, when I want to go into ‘fix it’ mode with someone it’s because I’m hoping they’ll fix something so that MY life will become easier, and with intimate relationships I’ve noticed that it’s hard to disentangle from that cycle because there is so much interdependence.

Sometimes it helps me if I just really try to focus on taking care of myself when I have that impulse, like re-directing my focus to what’s going on with ME, what my needs are, etc, rather than getting overly involved in the other person.”

This is so spot on. One of the most powerful forms of resonant language is naming our feelings and needs. And, when our closest people are struggling, it can have a real impact on us, making it hard for our own needs to be met, or making us fear that our needs won’t be met in the future.

So, again, before trying to offer your loved one resonance, take time to acknowledge your own needs — the needs that were impacted by your loved one’s struggle or that you fear will be impacted in the future. And, take time to acknowledge the feelings that come up as a result of these unmet needs. You can look at my emotions wheels and needs list for help.

Then, whenever you notice the impulse to offer advice arises, pause. Before offering advice, and as soon as possible after you feel the impulse arise, bring your attention in toward yourself with care and curiosity, acknowledge what the part that wants to offer advice feels and needs, and look for a sense of resonance before you discern what you’ll say.

Third, when you’re ready to try offering resonance, ask for consent.

In our closest relationships, when people have been on the receiving end of lots of unwanted advice, they can be hesitant to receive any response. They may react to your attempt at resonance defensively, thinking you’re just trying to fix them again.

So, when you’re ready to trying offering resonance, you might let your person know — ”I know I’ve been giving you lots of unsolicited advice lately. And, I imagine that’s felt really rough. I imagine that it might feel a lot better for me to just try to understand you without it feeling like I’m constantly trying to fix you. Would it be okay if I tried?”

They might say yes. They might also say no. It can be hard to get to the yes! of resonance if we don’t first honor someone’s no. So, ask first.

Finally, stay curious.

Resonance isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about using your imagination, getting curious, and in a light-hearted yet reverent way asking — Is it like this? — until the other person says — Yes, that’s it!

For example, an old friend recently shared she’s grappling with deep grief and depression following her mother’s death. She said it feels like, with this and other losses in her life, that she’s disappearing.

Now, I’ve never experienced such a profound death of a loved one, and I don’t have a relationship with my mother like my friend had with hers.

But I’ve experienced profound sadness and loneliness. So, rather than saying I couldn’t imagine what she was going through, after just swearing a bit in response as I listened to her share her story (swearing is one form of resonant language), I looked for fresh metaphors that might match her experience (another form). I asked —

Is it like the people who know you hold a flashlight that lets you be seen, and as each person leaves, that light goes out and you’re left in more and more darkness, unable to see yourself clearly?

And then —

Is it like you use echolocation, and you ping off the presence of others to know where you are in space, and without your people there, it becomes hard to tell where you are anymore?

To both of these, she said yes.

I said, Man, it’s fucking hard to be pack animals with no built-in pack in this society.

At this, we both laughed (humor is yet another form of resonant language.)

I’d love to hear what comes up for you in reading this piece.

If you have any questions about resonance — either about offering it to yourself or others — I’d love to hear from you. Just feel free to respond with an email.

Sending you lots of love!

May you feel seen, heard, and understood.