When many people realize that they need to get better at saying no.
It’s because their boundaries have been too permeable, too porous.
They take on roles and responsibilities that belong to other people. They sign up for more than fits realistically within the boundaries of a day, week, month, or year. They struggle to understand where they begin and others end. They give out more than they receive in.
From Too Porous to Too Rigid
When they realize they need better boundaries, they reactively shift to the other side of the spectrum—from being too porous to being too rigid.
They set up strict rules about what to keep out and get harsh with themselves or others, in an attempt to forcefully assert their no’s.
But dysfunction occurs when an organism’s boundaries are either too closed or too open.
If we’re too permeable, we become leaky, unable to get our most important work done, losing ourselves to other people or our environment.
If we’re too rigid, no nutrients can get in and we wither in an attempt to be self-reliant.
Although most people think about boundaries through this either-or lens—either yes or no—we need something more nuanced and complex than that.
Selectively Permeable Boundaries
Like any natural organism, to thrive, we need selectively permeable boundaries, boundaries that maintain our integrity, respect our constraints, honor our needs, and support our exchange with the outside world.
Embodying selectively permeable boundaries requires discernment.
Discernment is the Heart of Healthy Boundaries
Discernment is the practice of clearly recognizing the difference or distinction between two or more things, recognizing what was previously unrecognized, and making skillful decisions.
To become better at deciding what to let in and what to keep out, we must shift from reacting unconsciously from old patterns to consciously choosing what’s needed in real time.
To do this, we must develop a practice of pausing, noticing what’s going on in our inside world and in our outside world, and choosing.
To say no well, we must pause, notice, and choose, over and over again.
The Discernment Pause
For over a decade, I’ve coached my clients to get clear about what’s next in their work lives, transform conflict, and align their lives with what matters most.
Through this time, I’ve taken tons of training, read countless books, and experimented with many modalities. Over these years, I’ve come to distill what I’ve learned into one simple practice that consistently helps my clients change their lives and helps me walk my talk as a mother, partner, business owner, city councilor, and community member.
I call it the Discernment Pause.
The Discernment Pause has three basic parts—Pause. Notice. Choose.
To say no with skill and to embody selectively permeable boundaries, we must pause, notice, and choose, over and over again.
These are just the basic moves.
Once you’re in the practice of pausing, turning toward yourself with warmth and kindness, identifying what you feel and need, and choosing your next step, it becomes easier to scaffold on other steps to say no in ways that benefit our relationships. For example:
1. Saying No / Asking for Help:
If you need to set a boundary or say no to a request, your next step might be to prepare how to deliver your no in a way that honors your needs. If you need to ask for support, your next step might be to formulate a clear request.
2. Time Management:
If you’re facing an overwhelming workload and need to let something go, after you identify your priority needs, you can have a conversation with your calendar and to-do list about which steps do and do not align with your priorities. Then, you can put lesser priorities on your later list.
3. Career Clarity:
If you’re thinking about leaving your job, after you get the inside view and clarity about what you want from your new work, you can go get the outside view, have conversations with people who know something about the line of work you’re considering, and take action to create your path forward.
I’ve found that the Discernment Pause provides a pivot point that helps my clients say no with more confidence, transform conflict, get clear about their careers, relate to time more effectively, get unstuck from old patterns, and show up more effectively for social change.
If the idea of pausing and turning toward what’s happening within you resonates, I encourage you to write the words, “Pause. Notice. Choose.” on a sticky note somewhere you’ll see them frequently.
Then notice what shifts as you practice.
I’m wishing you the courage to say no in ways that honor your relationships and commitments.